Dear God

Hey you,

The how are you? How has this week been? Mine has been a roller-coaster of emotions. I got so mad at God this week and I threw a huge tantrum at God. i even wrote him a letter. I thought i should share it with you.

 Dear Abba,

I am tired.

Tired of trying.

Tired of trying to be.

I’ll just want to give up and give in.

It’s fucking hard trying to fight the darkness.

I know you said I am light, and I honestly try to believe that, but the struggle to be who you said I am, is real.

 It’s much easier being this person I am now than the person I envision myself to be.

It’s something my fellow Christians will call darkness, but somehow I feel safe in it.

It’s not like I feel comfortable around them anyways; they look at me funny and make some negative remarks about me under their breath. But these other people, they don’t look at me funny.

Most of them don’t judge me. Do you know they enjoy my fucked up jokes?

They understand me when I talk about my anxiety and fears. 

 I feel safe around them.

 I feel wanted.

 I also think I can be good at being bad. They already think it, so why not.

 It flows naturally. I do not have to try too hard or get exhausted mentally, emotionally, and psychologically.

I honestly believe that you exist and that you died for me. I do not know how to unbelief that. That belief is a part of me. I do not want to ever stop believing that you died for me.

What I do not believe is if I will be let through the pearly gates. I do not also think they will let me through the pearly gate. I think I’m too fucked up to be let in. So I might just get locked out of heaven.

You know that is an actual song by Bruno Mars, “Locked out of Heaven”  I know this cause I listen to his songs which my fellow Christians frown at.

 I enjoy his songs. (Sticks tongue out)

Abba, to be sincere, I don’t want to not see you. You know, I often daydream about when I get to heaven. How the entire drama will play out.

I imagine running up to you and hugging you so tight before I throw a punch lightly on your chest as payback for letting me go throw shit here on earth.

I imagine that I will ask for food or where the kitchen in heaven is. I know if there is one, there will definitely be lots of food.

I will eat everything!!!

Food magical food…..

I don’t want to not love you. I don’t know how to not love you.

I also do not think I have it in me to love you the way I’m supposed to.

I know that I hurt you sometimes, and I am sorry.

I don’t mean to, and it breaks my heart that I do.

I will just stop trying, as I said.

Dear God, I just want to live without the pressure of I must get to heaven.

I have things contributing to my anxiety, and I don’t want to add this to them.

I will walk through whatever door you point me to after my stay here on earth. No complaints…

I just beg you not to leave me or let me walk through life alone.

You made me a promise, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you” so please do not.

I don’t want to go through life alone.

Life is fucking hard not to talk of when I have to do it without you. All I ask is that you stay with me and hold me while I cry. You know I cry a lot. Please be there to comfort me.

If I find myself in hell, please stay with me to comfort me when the fire burns me.

Let me feel you right there.

I make you a promise, I will love these humans I share this earth with.

I will still tell people about you and your love for them because I strongly believe in your love for others more than I believe in your love for me.

If I ever go to hell, it won’t be because of the hurt I caused someone else, but for being me. I hope you understand.

If I ever make it to heaven, I will hug you so tight till all my sorrows have been drawn away by the greatness of your love.

I imagine I will look into your eyes and finally be able to understand your love for me. I will see my imperfections through your eyes but be comforted and content that your love for me does not mind my imperfections.

 I know I will definitely cry because I am such a cry baby. 

Abba, that will be your greatest miracle to me ever.

 Yours Forever,

PLinus.

This letter I typed to tell God I was giving up on the being a Christian, then I closed all running programs on my computer, shut down my computer, and wiped my tears. Thereafter, I said a prayer and went to bed. I was supposed to be fighting with God but here I was praying to him once again. 

I am such a case.

Disclaimer, if you plan to take life advice from me, you have entered one chance, because I am only inviting everyone to the conference that goes on in my head.